The leaner, meaner Timms family

In line with the situation found elsewhere in the economy, the Timms family has suffered a 40 percent (2/5) reduction of its personnel. Head office insists that production will not be affected, however managers (not shown) doubt that the canine hired in replacement will have as many interesting friends, and point to last New Year's Eve as an example of the decrease in the quality of the fun created by the family unit. Mind you, the new grocery bill is a relief.

Already reeling from 1996's massive cuts, the family fully expects to be hit again in September, 1997, when Laura leaves for university. Of course, Guelph isn't quite as far as Calgary or Surfers' Paradise, but if production can be measured by the number of times the phone rings in any given day, managers fully expect to see a corresponding decrease in daily output.

Mileage on the family vehicles is also expected to drop drastically, as the regular trips to swim practice, the riding stable, student council meetings, the part-time job at the White Feather Country Store, visits to friends, and other required excursions all cease.

Korean military helicopters dropped tear gas on rioting students in Seoul this summer. Unfortunately, Stefan exited the subway, on his way home from teaching English to the few non-rioting students, just in time to walk right into it. More than once.

With his brand-new, 4 year UWO Honours degree in Kinesiology apparently non-translatable into a job, and the prospect of repaying his student loans looming, Stefan accepted an offer from one of the hundreds of private English-language schools in Korea. While there, from May to October, he discovered that the air in Seoul is not fit for human respiration, even when it isn't full of tear gas; that Korean employers are not world-renowned for their benevolence for good reason; and that, nevertheless, you can have a lot of fun. He even won a part playing a standard North American villain on a Korean television series.

Arriving home, unannounced, on October 20th, he was gone again by October 31st. To Australia, this time, where he has resumed training for triathlon while toughing it out in some place called Surfers' Paradise. This is a place so primitive it seems not to have telephones, or email. At least, we're assuming that's the reason we haven't heard from him.

University of Calgary Architecture student Arran Timms (pictured here with his newest cousin, Laurel Flanagan) has made a shocking discovery. "Do you realize I'll be 25 this year?" he wrote to his parents. Said parents rolled their eyes, did some quick math, and were forced to confirm his findings. The implications could be widespread. "That means Stefan will be 25, too" they exclaimed, "unless they do birthdays upside down in Australia, the same way they do the seasons."

Despite the shock of having lived a quarter-century, Arran is thoroughly enjoying his courses, and has learned to speak Architect, a language that often mystifies the parental units. About a recent design project, he wrote "It's a system that ritualizes the collection, purification, heating and dispensing of water." "You mean a rainbarrel?" his mother enquired. Not at all. It's a teahouse.

Known as 'Gandalf', in honour of his grandfather 'Wizard Lord of the Rings', he is a Giant Schnauzer from Liefhond Kennels in Orillia -- and they do mean giant.

AUTHOR RECEIVES AWARD

At the Women in Film and Television gala awards dinner in April, 1996, author Kathleen Timms, with co-writer Bonnie Buxton, was presented with a massive cheque (5 feet by 2 feet) from the CBC, representing their winning of the CBC Writers Award. "Given all the budget cuts to the CBC, we're just hoping they'll still have the money in the bank when we finish writing the script the award calls for," Kathleen commented, after signing the contract.

In other news from writing front, OWL Television has purchased an option to produce a television series based on Letters to the Judge, the novel Timms completed last year. This has put her into a mad scramble to learn the television business and the art of scriptwriting. She has even resorted to watching the stuff.

TIMES AVOIDS TAKEOVER THREAT

Clever manipulation of several factors enabled The Times to avoid Conrad Black's attention during his recent spree of newspaper takeovers. "Cloaking the mailing list in indecipherable code, keeping our pinko, leftist editorial opinions to ourselves, and not making any money, were the main factors", the publisher explained.

"We are also implementing a plan to avoid the sensational spelling and grammar errors which characterize some of the papers he's most interested in."

Readers may rest assured that The Timms Times will continue to publish independently, and that we will adhere to our rigourous home delivery schedule.

"Elderly gentlemen, gentle in all respects, kind to animals, beloved by children, and fond of music, are found in lonely corners of the downs, hacking at sandpits or tussocks of grass, and muttering in a blind, ungovernable fury elaborate maledictions which could not be extracted from them by robbery or murder. Men who would face torture without a word become blasphemous at the short fourteenth. It is clear that the game of golf may well be included in that category of intolerable provocations which may legally excuse or mitigate behaviour not otherwise excusable."

(Mr. Justice Trout, as quoted in Uncommon Law, "Is a Golfer a Gentleman?" (1935), bringing judgment in a case involving ungentlemanly conduct on the course.)

He was NOT, of course, referring to Roger.